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 I feel you!
ebonie mullenmaster    2:14pm Jan 30 2020

Hay Claire,
I broke my my ankle at work a week before Thanksgiving. Mind you, I am a chef- I have a can't stop- wont stop- style of work ethic and ended up finishing the rest of my shift, all 6 hours, convincing myself i was being a "@!#$ and it was just a sprain". Resulting in today (8.5 weeks) of seated work duty and a boot. To what I thought was going to be be my liberation allowing me to integrate back into normal society. Turned into a MRI later today, with concerns of the overall interior health of my ankle due to the swelling not subsiding and the discoloration of my foot. ( I mean it's STILL purple... it looks like 3 degrees from frostbite and has always been since the "incident".) So, my sadness is at an all time high. So I am definitely there with you. This is the first time I have found this site let alone even thought that it may exist. So, forgive my long winded rambling in escence to relate with you, but if you are like me, you may find the "long way home" sense of life a bit more appealing. If not, you can just revert to the Subject line and save a long rambling, perhaps venting tale of my current condition. (LoL )

I feel your sadness due to the injury nobody seems to understand how it feels. My bf and I had a huge adventure planned for months for over New Years to go to 4 nights of concerts 1/2 way across the country. We still did, except we drove... I could not handle the situation of trying to deal with an airline let alone all that goes into just figuring out the simple situations of arriving to the airport - cabs- luggage - where do we go- how do we get there just WALK a few blocks. Nope. all this created a great deal of anxiety that i could not handle- so i drove. I used an economical excuse " I did the math and if we drive we will save xxxx amount of money in the long run really it was just easier that way. Also, I broke my left ankle Thank anything and everything since a huge majority of my life is spent behind a wheel. My bf acquired too many DWI's back in his "hay-day" of his 20-23 yr old self to now have a licence STILL in his mid 30s...yes, it's a hard pill for me to swallow. We have been down that road before (pun intended) )
As for the concerts, the venue was exceptionally accommodating to my recent unforeseen event and the disability seating was better than the VIP!... however... not for me socially. My boyfriend's attitude was more painful to me than my ankle being broke. Understand, he has been exceptionally supportive and I don't know how i would have gotten this far without him. But, nevertheless, the whole time he spent by me in my designated "do not tamper with" area of great views practically on the stage: were painful for him. He was poutty and awful. As if I was grounding him and taking him home early from the park because he could not play nice with the other kids. All quiet and pissy, arms crossed and dead stare. I have no children for this reason, I do NOT tolerate cry baby bullshit. I too wanted to be in the crowd with the action, dancing...DANCING i just wanted to dance..." but, NO! If I did... it was of three probable outcomes: 1) either in severe pain. 2) Mentally reprimanding myself of further injuring my already crunchy ankle. 3) On the complete defense of get the hell away from me with your drunk wobble dance of personal space neglect. So, as a result of no possible compromise with any three outcomes, I stayed in my caged sector. Watching from afar- releasing my boyfriend out into the wild so he could be among his fellow drunken dip-shits to sway bounce and wiggle -or what they all personally asume is dancing. While I humbly sat in my chair next to the few others, far worse off than myself not wanting to exchange much as a head-nod. In my mind I wanted to exchange battle stories; yet on the other hand I knew my injury was far less severe than those also occupying my safety cage of live music entertainment. I didn't want to ask the person clearly on some sort of oxygen and in a wheelchair- "so what brings you to the cripple cage..?!" All bright eyed and bushy tailed with all I had on is a stupid boot. This man is in a wheelchair with oxygen, I am clearly the one who they all asked "who let HER in here". So, quietly I would just smile and nod, take my seat and accepted that most people were not there to make Handicapped friends. I am still disappointed in the dedication of my boyfriend, yet, it's not HIS fault that I was there and I guess that everyone has their perspective of a good time, however I still felt left out. I still do.

Many times in these situations, I have been the friend reaching out to help anyone of my friends especially during an injury. I have never felt as, i don't know, forgotten as I have this time. The time I could use a helping hand not even just physically, mentally. I have actually had less than ever friends stepping up to to help. well to be frank- not a damn one has reached out a helping hand let alone even a call or text. The night I got home after breaking it I called my "best friend". I just wanted her come assess the situation. I just needed someone to tell me "you need to go to the doctor!" ...It took her 3 hours to get to my house (she lives 4 mins from me.) She then began to rant about well if it hurts as much as her finger...
(wordy backstory... She broke her finger at a music festival being drunk and irrational. She went to take the keys out of her husband's hand, mind you, he was sober and packing up the camping gear. With sass and drunken irrationality, she snatched the keys from his hands and proclaimed that HE was too drunk to drive. Mind you he had been sleeping for the solid 8 hours while she was doing keg stands like a freshman in college. He told her to stop, and grabbed the lynard dangling from her inebriated death grip. Her finger was in tangled in the midst of the the gawdy keyring collection and unbenounced to him, as he claimed the keys from her taunting adolescent behavior, her finger intangeld in the loop, snapped, causing an on going proclamation of abuse and aggressive behavior. STILL... To this day... it happened 3 years ago. Yet she did offer to drive me the next day to the doctor. I did almost take her up on, I am glad I didn't. I have barely heard from her since this has happened and the response I did get was about her finger and how it has been acting up so life has been really hard for her, too hard in fact to concern herself with any other things. = Selfish AF! But, sometimes you can't choose your friends, right?

Anyways, with ALL that in mind, I stopped over almost daily to help her when her finger was broken. From making food for her and her husband daily to brushing her hair and braiding it. That was one of the last times i have really even heard from her. When she came over to "help" hours later. With all being said, I can clearly see myself I am not that good at picking the best of friends. The support is NOT what I would expect. I mean I feel everyone one is writing off my current situation.

I have even made the truism of my current condition of depression and the response I do receive if any is "I bet, I would be too." So this is my last resort. Finding others that my relish in my ramblings about things that are regarded as not that big of a deal. My broken ankle IS a big deal and IS affecting me. It is reassuring that there are others out there feeling the same as i am. The correlation between depression and a broken anything is real thing. I am glad I am not the only one who thinks this way. I hope my rambling made you feel at least a bit better knowing your not alone. I too am not taking to captivity too well and wish to be released amongst the others who freely frolic in the midst of life and concerts. Being patient is the hardest part of life.... It also gives you a strong sense of time and awareness of things you want to change. I feel as if i am wasting time being broken. Hopefully it will help me have a more persevering attitude and well, get out of this broken state of being.
I'm here for you and totally get it... I believe in you!

 Post a follow-up comment   Newer messages  |  Older messages 

 Feeling Sad  new
Claire nollett  10:17am Dec 14 2019
 I feel you!  new
ebonie mullenmaster  2:14pm Jan 30 2020
 Re: Feeling Sad  new
Eden  5:02pm Mar 1 2020


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www.MyBrokenLeg.com
28 May 2020