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Annie : Tears, Fears, and Puppy Dog Kisses
Diary entry posted Thu 1:32pm 14 April 2005

Apr 14

It's week 14 so I thought I'd update a bit. For two days now, I have been out of my air cast, and so far, no problems. I do believe I would still use it if I was going somewhere with uneven surfaces for protection from spraining my ankle. That would just about blow all PT while the soft tissue had to heal. I'd rather not take the chance. Yesterday, I did a 3/4 mile walk by myself; today, I took my little "boy" Cody with me. How I love having him with me. This whole ordeal has been SO alienating and lonely at times. I don't know what I would do without my "boys". With Cody by my side, I never feel quite so alone on my walk.

This past two days, my ankle has been screaming again. I don't know whether it was from my OS ratcheting it around, or the increase in my PT exercises, but it is really stiff and sore again. And, the evil swelling is back,a nice little donut around my ankle. And my tibia has been almost excrutiating. I find myself gritting my teeth and just working through the pain. I did my 3/4 mile walk today, focusing on my beloved mountains, and talking to Cody, my little buddy. I find the emotional part of all this, quite a journey. Just when things start feeling pretty good, my foot starts really hurting again, and I just feel like crying. Right behind the tears, come the fears that I will never be "whole" again and able to take a really good run, or hike, or bike ride, or ski, or ... It's at those times, I really have to stop myself, and try to focus back on the present moment. That, after all, is the only one I really have any control over. And that's when those puppy dog kisses become oh so sweet. I just bury my face in my little friend and try to remember this could be worse. At least I will recover from this. It is temporary. I know there has been a lot of progress over the last 3 1/2 months, I guess like everyone else, I'm just impatient to get going again and not have it resemble the pain of childbirth! So, here's what I can do: I can take a nice 3/4 mile walk without any wheel chair, walker, crutch, boot, or air cast; I can stand on my bad foot and balance without much difficulty at all and really no time limit; I can now rise up on just the ball of my bad foot for 15 seconds three times; I can walk with almost no limp, with a fairly even gait, rolling all the way through on my foot; I can do the BAPS board pretty much all the way around now; I can do lunges off both feet; I can do single leg presses without any difficulty; and I can drive my truck. So, life is good! When the tears and fears try to surface, I need to remember that ...



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 Thu 1:32pm 14 April 2005
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