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Amanda_L : 38 weeks and depression....again.
Diary entry posted Mon 6:38am 5 October 2009

I put the number of weeks on my phone so it reminds just how long I have been a limper... why do I do this? Its just a reminder of how much life has sucked since January, when if that didnt go off, I would not think about it as often. But anyways, I am at 38 weeks. I still walk with a limp, have a ton of shin pain, my skin feels way too tight, and I have allodynia which basically feels like someone is stabbing me when really, its just my pant leg touching my skin. I try to feel "normal" but its a reminder every time I walk down stairs (up is OK), push something heavy (PAIN!), go to the gym and see all those lucky people running and just random moments that make me want to cry. Yesterday I should have been participating in a marathon with my girlfriend...but of course that couldnt happen with my BL so instead I stayed home and pouted. And cried. And felt sorry for myself. I wonder when the limp will disappear, when I will be able to run, ski, jump, walk long distances, push the vacuum normally, not have to use the handicapped sticker when getting groceries because its hard to push the heavy cart.... No one really understands why it is still like this 9 months after the fact and I think many are skeptical. Trust me. I am not milking the BL, I would do anything to get rid of it! I was doing really good the past couple of months mentally, but I think the marathon yesterday set reality in pretty badly. I know I will run again but I want it to be now!! So, thats my rant for the day. I deleted all reminders of how many weeks out I am from my phone. I am going to volunteer at the next race I can't participate in and I am going to eventually put this all behind me. I hope sooner rather than later!!!!!

Happy Healing to all,



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 Mon 6:38am 5 October 2009
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