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Amanda_L : Depression..again
Diary entry posted Wed 4:38pm 13 May 2009

Sometime around week 10 I started to sink into a pretty major depression, marked by sleeping ALL day, not showering and crying at any given moment. Then I bucked up and just started forcing myself to be around people, forced myself out of bed and tried my damnest to make the best of things. Oh, and I took meds. So then when I started feeling "great", of course I stopped the meds and here I am. Sad as ever for no particular reason other than feeling sorry for myself. I can't focus on anything other than what I CAN'T do. I cant drive, cant walk, cant workout, cant work, cant play volleyball, cant do my triathlons this summer, cant run, cant go anywhere, cant move my ankle much, cant wear cute shoes because I have to be in an AFO after my cast, cant ride my motorcycle even though its 70 degrees outside. So, instead of dealing with life as it comes, I sleep. All day. Today I woke up at 11, decided I didnt need to be awake for anything, so slept until 4. THenI napped for 20 minutes on the couch. All while crying uncontrollably. I finally broke down and called the doc so I could get seen and get some meds. I am miserable and cannot see any glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. 18 weeks of this shit and I hate it. I hate that I broke my leg. I hate that its taking so long to heal. I hate that even when I get out of a cast, I have to wear an AFO that is uncomfortable, hot and ugly. I hate that everyone else can walk normal through life. I hate hate hate that people stop caring about how I am doing after 5 weeks of a broken leg. News flash: I am still just as broken now as I was then. And I still need just as much help around the house, hence why the place is a sty. I hate that I have all of these dr appointments and my poor husband has to take time off to bring me to them all because I have no one. I hate that I cant just drive my self to them. I hate being an inconvenience.

And most of all?

I hate that I am not the bubbly, outgoing, social, happy person that I was before this happened.



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 Wed 4:38pm 13 May 2009
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